


the confession (that i couldn't make)

by orphan_account



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Gen, inspired by Sing For You MV, kind of a tweetfic lmao does it count if i sent this in dm to a friend, lapslock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-09
Updated: 2015-12-09
Packaged: 2018-05-05 20:37:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5389409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"is this about him? is this about him <em>again</em>?" chanyeol says, hard and unforgiving. junmyeon bristles, drawing himself up and meeting his betrayal head on. it's rhetoric, he <em>knows</em> it's rhetoric, because chanyeol is the only one that knows about these walks at night in winters, ever since two years ago. "you destroy yourself, walk around on the road at night drunk like this because of him?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	the confession (that i couldn't make)

junmyeon walks alone.

it's cold, biting cold, and the snow seems to cut into his skin with every step forward. the ice is slippery under his footsteps. he isn't dressed for being outside in this weather; he feels cold down to his very bones, drenched in something heavier than just sharp dry wind carrying deceptively gentle-looking snowflakes. the freezing embrace is familiar by now - junmyeon sinks into it like a body into a grave, warmth of a bottle's worth of alcohol turning the back of his tongue acrid and battling the snow, a dying effort. a dying ember.

this is unhealthy.

if he closes his eyes, draws his arms around himself like the embrace of a lover, he can almost imagine the weight of an arm around his shoulders, a large hand pulling him in close like a firm suggestion. but that had never been the case. this has never happened. junmyeon has never known the cold being offset by that warmth: he is practical. he is a guardian. the mask never slips.

so he doesn't imagine, because that hurts a bit more than the ache of being... him, everyday. he remembers instead: exasperation at a shy smile offered to him on a silver platter, an awkward hand curling around his, dwarfing it, until their fingers entwine and the spaces between are filled. he remembers the warmth of a jacketed arm against his shoulder, because he had always been rather short compared to yifan.

he supposes it's fitting, then, that he was left staring at his back instead of seeing what made him leave, seeing the bigger picture. it isn't as if the signs weren't already there. they had to be: yifan had never been opaque, not to him, no matter how good of an actor he was, no matter how well he led junmyeon to believe that the warmth they shared as the soft caress of the first snow tickled the tips of their noses and turned them as red as their lips after they chased the wet warmth of each others' mouths, half hidden behind naked trees draped in lights.

the snow is despicable.

junmyeon stumbles over nothing, curls his lips up in a sneer. strong, he is supposed to be. strong, he is not. not today, not the day of firsts. first snow, first meeting, first kiss, first abandonment.

his breath catches in his throat. everything is so cold. the streets are abandoned, still, and he imagines it might be because no one else is foolish enough to wander out. on any other day, junmyeon likes to think that he'd be rational. that he'd learn to let go. but it's not like yifan didn't take a piece of his heart along with him when he left, leaving behind memories and pictures in consolation. you can live in my heart if you'll let me live in yours, but yifan has always broken promises, even the ones that said yifan would cherish him forever.

you don't cherish what you forget.

"junmyeon."

you don't cherish what you left behind.

"junmyeon, stop."

you don't cherish what you didn't even care enough about to speak to after leaving without a word.

"junmyeon, _listen_ -"

a hand on his shoulder, spinning him around, and junmyeon sees chanyeol's furious face through the blur of tears, gaze heavy and searching. junmyeon knows he looks ugly when he cries, and immediately smooths his face out into a jagged smile that feels like hooks at the corners of his mouth. chanyeol's hand is warm, so warm on his shoulder. it burns.

"chanyeol," junmyeon says when it becomes evident that chanyeol won't speak.

silence. there are no answers for chanyeol to find here. "why do you do this to yourself," the boy whispers (he's just a boy. not yet a man, not even if his voice has deepened and his height is formidable and his hands are big and warm, like the comfort junmyeon shed away when yifan left). "you look terrible."

he draws away, affronted, shaking the other's hand off. "you know _why_ ," he snaps. no, no, bad. don't snap at your friends, junmyeon. you don't do that, you're not allowed to do that. and he watches as chanyeol's entire face contorts in disgust. an apology dissolves on the tip of his tongue.

"is this about him? is this about him _again_?" chanyeol says, hard and unforgiving. junmyeon bristles, drawing himself up and meeting his betrayal head on. it's rhetoric, he _knows_ it's rhetoric, because chanyeol is the only one that knows about these walks at night in winters, ever since two years ago. "you destroy yourself, walk around on the road at night drunk like this because of him?"

"you wouldn't understand, chanyeol."

"no, you can't - you're not pulling that excuse on me again." chanyeol follows, doggedly. "you're not walking away from us all - when are you going to accept that he's not going to come back? because he's not, he's not, no matter what, he _left_  us -"

"you wouldn't understand," junmyeon says again. "you weren't as close to him as i was."

chanyeol's eyes flash. "don't you fucking _dare_ ," he snarls, stepping forward and pushing him hard. "he left us _all_ , not just _you_ \- you may have loved him but that doesn't mean you can't move on, that doesn't mean you have to do this -"

"don't speak as if you know what i feel," junmyeon says, sharp. "don't overstep your boundaries, chanyeol."

"then what am i supposed to do? watch you do this every winter, every _fucking_ winter - let me talk, no, _let me talk._ you're going to do this all the time and you'll get yourself _killed_ , can't you see what you're doing?"

the sound of chanyeol grunting as junmyeon's fist meets his mouth is so, so unsatisfactory. the feeling of his meeting junmyeon's is a temporary distraction, but a distraction nonetheless. junmyeon is uncoordinated, stumbling over the place, slipping - but adrenaline runs fire into his veins and burns out the gunk in his blood, warmth for the first time tonight.

they fight. it's a good thing they're both unwilling to really, _really_ hurt each other, but the red of blood against stark white is so _pretty_.

junmyeon raises his hand again, but chanyeol is faster, less woozy on his feet, and grabs him. wrists, arms, up to his shoulders, pinning him with imprints of his desperation in his touch and in his eyes. "stop," he pleads. "stop. can't you see what this is doing to you? this isn't you, junmyeon, this isn't. can't you see what's _right in front of you_? listen -"

"you don't understand," junmyeon snaps. " _you'll never understand_. what it's like to love someone who won't give you two seconds of their time, to love someone who doesn't think of you as important. you don't know what it's like, so don't you _dare_ -"

"but i _do_ ," chanyeol insists. he looks so, so broken, so longing, right at him. one large hand moves from his shoulder to cup his face, slim fingers fitting under his jaw. junmyeon feels bile rise in his throat. "i - god, junmyeon, i do. more than anyone. i _understand_. it feels like... like drowning."

"not to me." junmyeon laughs, soft and hysterical into the night. it's disturbing even to his own ears, and he revels in how stricken chanyeol looks. "it feels like burning alive."

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for enabling me lia <33 send me requests on [my twitter!](http://twitter.com/junghoesuccs)


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